I want to cry.I want to scream. I cant eat. I cant sleep.I dont want to talk 2 anyone.I dont want 2 listen 2 anyone. I think Im crazy. I think Im dying.
but Im not regretting anything.
I love him.
I love him so much.
Maybe someday I'll move on. Maybe someday I'll love again. Maybe someday I'll get my life back on track. Maybe someday I'll forget.
...No, I dont think I could ever forget. The emotions that goes with all my memories of him are far too strong. His eyes, his hands, his hair, his smile, his laugh, his voice. The way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the way he slips his arm around my waist, the way he places his head on my shoulder, the way he brushes my hair away from my face, the way he smells, how soft his lips felt when it was pressed against my skin, the way we talked, the way we laughed, the way we loved each other.
I'll never forget him.
Deep inside I know, that I'll never stop loving him. But someway, somehow, I'll find a way to live through everyday without him by my side. I just know, that the memories we shared and played will keep me alive. This feeling that I have inside is eternal. It will never change, nor falter.
Goodbye....
.... my love.
OUT OF REACH
Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach,
so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK
But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach,
so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach,
I can see
There's a life out there
For me
Its christmas time and i know i should be rejoicing. But....well....again, im hurting. I dont know what to do anymore... Its like.... I thought he'd change. He told me he'd change. And I believed him. 1 year later and he still hasn't. I cant believe this. Why didn't I stop this a long time ago? I mean, if I did, then I wouldn't be experiencing all this pain. I know. Because I didn't want to hurt him. I waited 4 him to get over me. Na magsawa. Hoping against all hope that he'd give up, despite the fact that I was nice to him. I thought 2 myself, "I'll just make the wait really long so that maybe, he'd grow impatient and just give up". I didn't want to hurt him, because I wanted to keep him as a friend after his courtship, which is why I was careful. Maybe its because he seems so fragile,and he makes me want to take care of him. Besides, I feel like a guy like him doesnt deserve a harsh i-dont-like-you-so-go-away-and-leave-me-alone treatment....I mean, he's sensitive. So I made him wait. I knew highschool guys hated waiting. They have hormones which kept on jumping up and down every now and then, as my teacher called it. I knew at that time that, it can't be anything serious. Like, come ON. He saw me in the interaction. Which lasted for three hours only. And he didn't even talk 2 me. So, fine. Meet meet after a while. Pinag-bibigyan ko lng. Kc nga ang BAIT. and, he's kinda cute when he gives u that "paawa" look whenever you wont let him have his way. So un. after 5 months, he was still at it. And after those 5 months, I actually felt like I LOVED HIM. I actually told him that. Later did I found out that i just liked him. Not love. No way. So after another four months, which makes it nine months of courtship, I decided to tell him that....well.... kme na. Kc a lot of people are like, accusing me na pnapaasa ko lng xa. Which isn't true. Im not that kind of girl. Ask gie. She'll tell you im straight forward. So un nga, inicip ko na... Kc dati...hinihintay ko lng xang mgsawa. Kakahintay ko, 2magal na ng 2magal na parang ako na yung lalabas na msama kung hindi ko xa sasagutin after all those time. So pagkasagot ko skanya, I went home. Tulala. "What hav i done?" i asked myself. Tas I called gie. Only when she started bombarding me with questions like (xempre she knows how i really feel) "SURE KA???" "NAKO. SIGURADO KA BA?" "ALAM MO 1ST MO YAN, DI KA BA NAGDADALAWANG ICP?" and "HaAaAanna! ALAM MO BA GNAWA MO?" did it sink in. I was taken. Taken by a man whom I dont really feel strongly about. So after 3hours, I texted him. "Addi? Can we talk?" 2which he replied "I LOVE U!!" so I texted him again. "Addi, ikaw sumagot ng fone. I need 2 tell you something." Tas eun. Here's how it went...
Addi: Hello?
Me: Oh, hi addi i wna say--
Addi: HannaaAaAaa!
(I can almost feel him embracing me at that time. Which well, made it harder 4 me 2 tell him what I had 2 tell him
Me: Uhm.. hehe. So, ano na?
Addi: Cnabi ko na sa mga tao! Alam na ni MARC! NI CHIQUI! NI--
Me: Oookay. *inhales*(Im thinking, "oh god, im EVIL! but i HAV 2 do this. Mas unfair nman kung kme nga pero ndi ko xa mhal..")
Me: Addi? I... Im sorry.
Addi: huh? bkt hanna?
Me: I... well... lets call this whole thing off. Sorry.
Addi: Huh? Ah....Hanna? You know, its okay. I understand, kung ndi ka pa ready and hindi pa muna pwede ngayon--
Me: Addi? Hindi kc sa.....hindi.....muna. Hindi.....tlga.
Addi: Ah...uh... ganun ba?
Me: ...... im sorry. Bye.
Addi: ....................bye.
So un. I felt good and bad at the same time. I felt good because Im free again. That im not bound to a man who i am not in love with. Besides, he's nice, but he has this thing about being too sweet with his lady friends. I figured, i couldn't live with that. (Wer not talking about him txtng them and talking 2 them lng ha? wer talking about HIM saying "i love u" "i miss u" "ur so beautiful" "U take care lagi" "wla ng hahanapin pa sayo" and frequent "ano gawa mo?" 2 them. That, and girls inviting him 2 their dorms, "girls getting wrong sent" with stuff like " Bat kc ganun? I think im falling for addi na..." and girls calling him 2 say "Wag mo kong pagpapalit ha?" and....yknw? The likes. Not 2 mention na ung ibang may crush sa kanya dati na...well, hindi girl, is, well....trying 2 pick a fight with me. So,im thinking "Pano nlng kpg naging kme? Kakayanin ko kaya? Buti sana kung hindi nia ini-entertain....kso ini-entertain nia. And its not like those girls (and that guy) will ever leave us alone. Pano kung naging as in KME tlga? Will he invite them 2 our wedding day? Kpg mg-asawa na kme gagawin pa ba niang ninang ng mga anak nmen ung mga un? No. I cant live with that.") and bad, kc......he's nice and he's caring. Besides, alam ko nman na hindi nia tlga cneseryoso ung mga "ganung" cases eh. After that night, i woke up the next morning and found 16 msgs on my fone. Not a single one from him. Odd. But i guess its okay, considering the fact that i wasted 9 months of his life. (He could've just courted another girl who would've became his girlfriend in two days flat since, hello? Mgaling c addi.) L8r that afternoon, he txtd me something. He let it all out. He called me cruel. He told me na i played him. Na he wasnt any different from all the other guys who courted me. And i accepted it all. Because somehow, I felt like i deserved it. Days passed. Not much txt msgs from him. Actually, there was a day nga when he didnt text at all. On the 6th day, he's sweet again. Pero alam ko na he's hurting prn. I knew I left a pretty deep wound on the guy's feelings. I had 2 admit. All those time when he wasn't txtng me? I was silently praying na he would. Deep inside, i missed him. And deep inside I knew, that I had fallen in love. But that can't be. I NEVER fall in love. i let guys do all the crushing. I mean, puh-lease! You wouldn't catch me crying over those i-love-him-but-he-doesnt-even-know-i-exist drama. Nothing can change THAT. Until....he came around and made my world revolve differently. I remembered everything. All the moments I spent with him. The grad ball. Frolix. Paul's soiree. His birthday. Everything. Even that time when we were riding the swings on this playground and just looking up at the clouds talking about nothing. And then i realized...i CANT let him slip away. So on the seventh day, i acted like a possesed woman. I went 2 ateneo, without telling my parents, skipped all my appointments 4 that day without thinking about the consequences. and even the fact that, well...i didnt know how 2 go 2 ateneo. but i managed. So when i got there, he saw me, looked in2 my eyes, and the rest, is history. Naging kme na. I LOVED HIM. Pero ngayon? wel...i still do. Kso.....parang.....he doesnt love me as much na. I cant blame him. Matagal na nia kc akong mhal. Eh samantalang ako, these feelings r still so new 2 me....And may promise ciang alam kong kht kelan hindi nia matutupad. He has me for his girlfriend but he's acting like he's single. Ndi ko na alam gagawin ko. Nagsisisi ba xa? Na niligawan nia ko? Na naging kme? Now that......she's back in the picture?... Ung lagi niang cnasabihan ng maganda? without her telling him 2 do so?... Siguro he's just too nice to break up with me. And it sucks. Now that ive completely fallen 4 him....
I am waiting. Im waiting for my one and only aircon here in UST. We're suppose 2 meet each other kc. We're going malling 2gether! :) iT'S NICE. Coz unlike other couples who can't seem 2 do anything but make out and go malling, those are the very things we dont do much. We,on the other hand, go 2 other people's houses (sandra! rmember?) sort of bend rules (no girls in Lauan? I was THERE.) go 2 schools (beda, UST, ateneo), go 2 concerts without watching the band and play counterstrike. (Okay, that was just one tym.) We normally see each other in UST. (Where we just sit and talk...and, well, sometyms eat.) But then again, we dont "normally" see each other. Because we dont see each other THAT much tlga. So everytym we do, we make it a point 2 make the most out of it. OH! hE'S hERE!! gtg. ;) its 11:30 ah. Ewan ko kc kung asan na ung tym eh. mtagal na kong d nkapgpost so im kinda lost with the new lay out. I'll worry about it some other time. Bye.